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First World Problems Weird Al Yankovic pixel out in the corner of my laptop screen I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough for the vending machine Some idiot just called me up on the phone, what Don't they know how to text OMG I got First Handy Weird Al Yankovic First things first, I'm a craftsman craftsman Remodelling is my only passion it's my passion And I'm the greatest in the business Want referrals, yo My clientele will bear you witness right, right I can Like A Surgeon Weird Al Yankovic Hey, like a surgeon, Cuttin' for the very first time. Like a surgeon, Organ transplants are my line. Better give me all your gauze, nurse, This patient's fading fast. Lame Claim To Fame Weird Al Yankovic One time I was in the checkout line Behind Steven Seagal Once I'm pretty sure Mr Jonah Hill Was in the very next bathroom stall My best friend's brother Well, he was an extra in Wayne's World 2 My neighbour's Talk Soup Weird Al Yankovic I dated Siamese twins I slept with Bigfoot, too Get me on Sally Jesse Put me on Donahue 'Cause I wanna tell the whole world about it Right now My dog's a narcoleptic My mom's a circus freak The White Stuff Weird Al Yankovic The first one was a sweet one Second one was a blast Soon I finished off the bag, ate 'em up real fast You can see 'em in my teeth Tell it when I talk Had so many my pancreas just went into shock You Don't Love Me Anymore Weird Al Yankovic That kind of thing is hard to ignore Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore I knew that we were having problems when You put those piranhas in my bathtub again You're still the light of Skipper Dan Weird Al Yankovic I starred in every high school play Blew every drama teacher away I graduated first in my class at Juilliard Took every acting workshop I could And I dreamed of Hollywood While I read my Uta Hagen and Chicken Pot Pie Weird Al Yankovic When we were young, Bernie's Deli was down the block (Ooh ooh ooh ooh) He made a great liver pate (You know he did, you know he did, you know he did) But if there's one thing in this world that I Ringtone Weird Al Yankovic My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call Well, everybody (everybody) Everybody (everybody) Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone When my phone goes off at work I look like the biggest Waffle King Weird Al Yankovic I'm sure you'll agree Your eyes roll back and your knees get weak Aw, You're gonna lick your plate clean People come from miles around just to study my technique I make the best darn waffles this world Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet N Weird Al Yankovic Now the whole wide world is their exercise wheel. Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters from a planet near Mars. The president, he's in a panic. The Pentagon, they're in shock. Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Weird Al Yankovic Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars A race from a distant place They came in UFOs shaped just like cuban cigars Man oh man, you oughta hear 'em squeal Now the whole wide world Foil Weird Al Yankovic you'll choose, you'll choose A refreshing herbal tea Mmm, lovely Oh, by the way, I've cracked the code I've figured out these shadow organizations And the Illuminati know That they're finally primed for world Velvet Elvis Weird Al Yankovic My velvet Elvis means the world to me. Although he may not be worth much dough, He means much more to me than some old Rembrandt or Van Gogh. I Can't Watch This Weird Al Yankovic I can't watch this Talkin' 'bout sick shows Tere's America's Funniest Home Videos I can't believe my eyes When I see the kind of stuff that wins first prize Somebody's poor old mom Falls Albuquerque [2] Weird Al Yankovic story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first Theme from Rocky XIII Weird Al Yankovic So today, his deli comes first. Still he dreams of his past days of glory. Alimony Weird Al Yankovic (cheering) Here she comes now, wants her alimony Bleedin' me dry as a bony bony Workin' three jobs just to stay in debt now Well, first she took my nest egg then she took the nest I said yeah Jerry Springer "Weird Al" Yankovic I just can't I have a tendency to watch it religiously I have a history of taping each one It's been one week since the show about Psycho killers with problems they should work out Five days since Trapped In The Drive - Thru Weird Al Yankovic "But first you gotta tell me What it is you're hungry for!" And she says "Let me think... ...What's left in our refridgerator?" I said "Well, there's tuna, I know." Airline Amy Weird Al Yankovic Met this pretty young stewardess on a non-stop flight She showed me to my seat and it was love at first sight Now lately I've been flying to all kinds of places That I never really wanted to go ' She Never Told Me She Was a Mime Weird Al Yankovic When we first met she seemed perfectly normal I never dreamed she'd make my life so hard You see, my baby, she started to change Started lookin' kinda strange Wearin' all that white makeup and Callin` In Sick Weird Al Yankovic in sick today Callin' in sick today Ain't goin' to work, no way Callin' in sick today I can do anything I want to I am invincible now I'm on fire, baby I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world Slime Creatures from Outer Space Weird Al Yankovic First they leveled Tokyo, Then New York was next to go. Boy, I really wish they'd cut it out! They wasted everybody on my block. There goes the neighborhood. Trigger Happy Weird Al Yankovic Got an AK-47, well you know it makes me feel all right Got an Uzi by my pillow, helps me sleep a little better at night There's no feeling any greater Than to shoot first and ask questions later weenie in a bottle Weird Al Yankovic no-one else was around I stuck my weenie in a bottle, and now I can't get it out You stuck your weenie in a bottle, oh my You must be a really lonely guy, You stuck your weenie in a bottle, thats a first Mission Statement Weird Al Yankovic We must all efficiently Operationalize our strategies Invest in world class technology And leverage our core competencies In order to holistically administrate Exceptional synergy We'll set a brand trajectory Bedrock Anthem Weird Al Yankovic take my family out to eat now Jumbo ribs at the drive-in can't be beat now Made from brontosaurus baby, not moo-cow Wanna chill with a sabre-toothed tiger Wear a loincloth, natural fiber Be the first Jackson Park Express Weird Al Yankovic Tuesday morning, 815 I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express Seemed like any other day Then my whole world changed In a way I never could have guessed Cause she walked in Took the seat right across