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You Never Phone Loudon Wainwright III You never phone you never write Hell I stopped hoping that you might You`re trying to hurt my feelings right You never phone you never write You never write you never phone I`m sorry to bitch and moan Number One Loudon Wainwright III Of all the chicks & broads & babes & bimbos I have known No one does it better than you do on the phone Midway through my busy day all through my empty night I dial your 900 number and it feels oh so right Down Drinking at the Bar Loudon Wainwright III Well, I call you up on the phone: nobody's at home. Then I do my usual thing: I let the telephone ring and ring and ring. I'm standing at a phone booth, coping with the ugly truth. Breakfast In Bed Loudon Wainwright III We stay put instead I grind the beans, squeeze the juice And butter up the toast That takes about an hour Ninety minutes at the most I like my breakfast in my bed I could use a bite Just pick up where you Y2k Loudon Wainwright III at school, church, business, and work Makes you feel like a genius even though you're just a jerk You get a computer, you sit it in your lap It does a little bit of this it does a whole lotta that It The End Has Begun Loudon Wainwright III gonna know Never gonna look back Never gonna know where we would have ended up at The end has only begun So stop counting the hours Live out in the world Cause I've been chasing the answers And they don't The Home Stretch Loudon Wainwright III If the day off doesn`t get you Then the bad reviewer does At least you`ve been a has been And not just a never was And you know it`s not a mountain But no mole hill is this big And you promise to quit Smokey Joe's Cafe (Album Version) Loudon Wainwright III One day while I was eating beans at Smokey Joe’s Café Sitting digging on the scene at Smokey Joe’s Café A chick came walking through the door that I had never seen before Least I’d never saw her down at Guru Loudon Wainwright III promises to make us fee He's got all the solutions to all of the problems That are plaquing our society All the followers they love to follow their Guru Everything else is a hoax They kiss his lotus feet, You Little Ship Loudon Wainwright III Our relationship Is just a little ship That's out on a stormy sea We barely keep afloat In our leaky boat But still I'm hoping That you'll dote on me When we first set sail We thought we'd never fail Grown Man Loudon Wainwright III You got a grown man for a boyfriend, So you better treat him just like a baby. He's a saint on Sunday, he's a bum on Monday; The rest of the week he's just crazy. What Are Families For? Loudon Wainwright III Your mother's loose, your father's slim She smothers you, you bother him Passed back and forth between those two Until they've had enough of you Another bundle comes along But by this time something's Conspiracies Loudon Wainwright III We don't believe in "You know who" But we don't let the kids know it We're parents, who are grown ups There's a line we have to toe it But we're part of a conspiracy About this bearded big fat guy Who Sometimes I Forget Loudon Wainwright III books It's as if all you've done is go out of town You'll be back soon, that's just how it looks But your suitcase is empty, it's right here in the hall That's not even the strangest thing Why would you A Father And A Son Loudon Wainwright III When I was your age I was just like you, And just look at me now; I'm sure you do. But your grandfather was just as bad And you should have heard him trash his dad. What Gives Loudon Wainwright III Holly Ricky Nelson, Otis Redding in one super group Bring me the bones of Brian Jones And Joplin's tinted glasses Hendrix's pick, Keith Moon's drumstick And a caftan of Mama Cass' Rock and roll will never Say That You Love Me (Album Version) Loudon Wainwright III Told you I love you Talked on the [Incomprehensible] You'd said that you like me, feel like a fool Say that you like me, that's not enough Say that you love me, I'm calling your bluff Say that you love Mr. Ambivalent Loudon Wainwright III Ambivalent You ain't going nowhere Sitting on that fence Mr. Ambivalent We're all sick and tired Of your ambivalence Mr. Ambivalent You don't gain no ground When you stay in one spot Mr. Father/Daughter Dialogue Loudon Wainwright III [Martha] Dearest Daddy with your songs Do you hope to right your wrongs? Ogm Loudon Wainwright III The OGM on our machine Began with we're not here now But you went and changed the "we" to "no one" Do you mean us or me? Bein' A Dad Loudon Wainwright III Bein' a dad isn't so bad Except that you gotta feed 'em You gotta shoe 'em and clothe 'em And try not to loathe 'em Bug 'em and hug 'em and heed 'em Bein' a dad can sure make you mad Man it even can drive Over The Hill Loudon Wainwright III Once you were a young man, But now you are old - you're over the hill. And you can't cross the palm of time's hand With silver and gold to make him stand still. Between Loudon Wainwright III You are standing on that empty beach not knowing where to go-o Out to sea or else inland, your whole life you don't know. Kick In The Head Loudon Wainwright III Well I hear that she told you she'd been shacking up with your best friend And the kick in the head is she said that she wants to again Well they was kissin and huggin and doin it right in your bed Oh So Many Songs Loudon Wainwright III I've written so many songs about you This is the last one, after this I'm through When I sing this one, when I do my show, People will hear it, the world will know I've written so many songs about you The Untitled Loudon Wainwright III Oh when I die & it wont be long Oh you're gonna be sorry that you treated me wrong You're gonna be sorry that you treated me bad And if there's an after life I'll gloat & I'll be glad Might be a plane Muse Blues (Album Version) Loudon Wainwright III I went down to the library, you know the big one way downtown I went down to the library, you know the big one way downtown I pulled out my spiral notebook and my scripto pencil These, these, these are Dead Skunk Loudon Wainwright III Crossin` the highway late last night He shoulda looked left and he shoulda looked right He didn`t see the station wagon car The skunk got squashed and there you are You got yer Dead skunk in the middle New Paint Loudon Wainwright III At the station you can meet her With that smile you couldn?t cheat her A woman that kind is hard to find It? Talking New Bob Dylan Loudon Wainwright III Hey, Bob Dylan, I wrote you a song Today is your birthday if I'm not wrong If I'm not mistaken, you're 50 today How are you doin', Bob? What do you say?