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Tip That Waitress Loudon Wainwright III and sympathize with her plight Tip that waitress She's getting her masters, supporting her mom Amidst the confusion she remains cool and calm She knows exits in case of a fire or bomb She knows all the I Can'T Stand Myself Loudon Wainwright III I sure can pick 'em Out looking for my next victim Who will that unlucky one be? Christmas Morning Loudon Wainwright III took a little look Tell me how long will it take for the dinner to cook It's Christmas morning There are so many presents underneath the tree A few are for you but the rest are all for me And we gotta tip Say That You Love Me (Album Version) Loudon Wainwright III Told you I love you Talked on the [Incomprehensible] You'd said that you like me, feel like a fool Say that you like me, that's not enough Say that you love me, I'm calling your bluff Say that you love Kick In The Head Loudon Wainwright III Well I hear that she told you she'd been shacking up with your best friend And the kick in the head is she said that she wants to again Well they was kissin and huggin and doin it right in your bed Oh Sometimes I Forget Loudon Wainwright III Sometimes I forget that you've gone You've gone, and you're not coming back And it's hard to believe that you're still not here What's left behind, disputes that fact And your bookcase still holds all Conspiracies Loudon Wainwright III There's a line we have to toe it But we're part of a conspiracy About this bearded big fat guy Who isn't real, who never lived Who's old, but doesn't die We went to the department store We climbed out on that So Damn Happy Loudon Wainwright III slap me The sun should not shine when there's rain I should be in a lot more pain At least I should feel slightly crappy But the sad thing is I'm so damn happy And the worst thing is it's so much better That A Song Loudon Wainwright III Here's a song For someone else to sing With a universal And generic ring It's all about the same old stuff That you like and can't get enough of How's about a minor chord right here Wasn't that rather Ogm Loudon Wainwright III Your new outgoing voice Sounds bright and brave and very clear now In those seconds you recorded it I guess that you felt free I started out my message With a pause that I aborted When I addressed you Dilated to Meet You (Album Version) Loudon Wainwright III wondering when you will arrive We're wondering what you'll be We're wondering if you'll be a her Or if you'll be a he Maybe you'll arrive today Perhaps tomorrow night We're hoping you won't hurt too much And that New Paint Loudon Wainwright III At the station you can meet her With that smile you couldn?t cheat her A woman that kind is hard to find It? Father/Daughter Dialogue Loudon Wainwright III You can't undo what has been done To all your daughters and your son The facts are in and we have found That basically you're not around Dearest Daddy try as you might All you are is just uptight You sing The Shit Song Loudon Wainwright III I look like I reek And a weaker bathroom lightbulb just might take care of it `Cos the mirror shatters your illusions when you look like shit Shit comes in different colours and consistencies I guess that The Doctor Loudon Wainwright III went to the doctor and the doctor said Son you look older than me and I'm 71 You're falling apart and not living right I went to the doctor and the doctor said Loud, you've got to stop hanging out With that Five Years Old Loudon Wainwright III CHORUS: Happy birthday Martha, happy birthday, birthday girl I'm sorry I can't be there for that party, birthday girl But pin the tail upon the donkey in that party dress Balloons, and cake, 2 kinds of 4 X 10 Loudon Wainwright III 10 feet tall 10 feet tall and 4 feet thick granite, concrete, steel and brick protection for you, understand the little boy, the inner man boys kissed the girls then made them cry that's a man's job, that Guru Loudon Wainwright III CHORUS: Down in Southern California There's a guru that is guruing there He's got 250 followers They're following him everywhere He's got all of the answers to all of the questions And he promises to make East Indian Princess (Album Version) Loudon Wainwright III East Indian princess lives in a western dream Happy like a child, her mother is a queen You know she's safe as a cow on a Calcutta street This English way of life has got that other life beat And reading Breakfast In Bed Loudon Wainwright III Well I wake up in the morning And I can't get out of bed You're lying in there with me We stay put instead I grind the beans, squeeze the juice And butter up the toast That takes about an hour Ninety minutes Happy Birthday Elvis Loudon Wainwright III Who was that tall fat man They buried in your place? Just another imitator; Plastic surgeons did his face. Happy birthday, Elvis; You still love to ball. The Untitled Loudon Wainwright III Oh when I die & it wont be long Oh you're gonna be sorry that you treated me wrong You're gonna be sorry that you treated me bad And if there's an after life I'll gloat & I'll be glad Might be a plane Unrequited To The Nth Degree Loudon Wainwright III Oh when I die and it won't be long Hey you're gonna be sorry that you treated me wrong Yeah you're gonna be sorry that you treated me bad Hey and if there's an after life I'll gloat and I'll be glad Might Come A Long Way (Album Version) Loudon Wainwright III couldn't see the flowers since we last shook hands Couldn't see the flowers on account of the snow What did you do with your burden and your cross Did you carry it yourself or did you crack You and I know that The Picture Loudon Wainwright III You were five and I was six In 1952; That was forty years ago, how could it be true? Something For Nothing Loudon Wainwright III but it didn`t take long Songwriting`s not so hard it`s well understood Anyone can do it and everyone should And I`m sure you could write and sing something as good With some balls and a pencil I`m sure that 1994 Loudon Wainwright III people It's not evil you're not cruel It's just a little goop polluting Your genetic swimming pool CHORUS: They can spot the culprit And magnify it on a screen Those scientists and doctors Can pinpoint that Tonya's Twirls Loudon Wainwright III When you saw those two together, you knew it wasn't hard To see that she was different, not just one of the girls, With their gliding and their sliding and their pirouettes and twirls. A Father And A Son Loudon Wainwright III And I know that I'm miserable; can't you see? I just want you to be just like me. Boys grow up to be grown men And then men change back into boys again. Thanksgiving Loudon Wainwright III communication's useless Don't let me drink too much wine Lord you know how I get ruthless Let us somehow get through this meal Without that bad old feeling With history and memory And home cooking we're