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When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. Middle Age Waistline Bob Rivers Fields I snack between meals You can see my crack above my Levis I don't need to diet To prove I'm light And I don't peel the skin off of my chicken Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Deep fry Don't exercise And Foreigners Bob Rivers Stamping out our unions, (What do you mean, man?) Foreigners... Take jobs from Americans. Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? Who stood the wood Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop? Who put the stick Up my hipty-dipty-dip? Who was that man? Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who drank Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers pulled a quick u-turn, And hit a pickup from Montana While plowin' down a fire hydrant too Windshield wipers slappin' time As he committed several traffic crimes This man's like a one man wreckin' crew There's Another Santa Claus Bob Rivers Santa Claus There's another Santa Claus there Everywhere you look you can't escape There's Santas everywhere Bells are ringing, children screaming Something doesn't seem right His beard is gray, that's a All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers Elves, elves, elves Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a 64-bit video system out of wood? Ho, ho, let me tell you, it ain't easy. No kidding! Tell me about it! A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. And lately I can't see my shoes. I hate to admit, but I'm getting fatter, fatter, A little fatter all the time. I can't lose no weight. Church Bob Welch Church Written by Bob Welch. Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers “Dance of the Plumber Fairy” See the repair man go Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink Working on the sink (Bending way down low) See the big tool belt go Slippy-slip, slippy-slip, slippy-slip Sliding The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear Bob Rivers In the store, there's a teddy. With little straps, like spagetti. It holds me so tight, like handcuffs at night. Walking around in womens underwear In the office there's a guy named Melvin. I'm A Weight Watcher Bob Rivers I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a Weight Watcher, Watchin' food go by. My, my, my. I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a plate watcher. Here comes a cream pie Mmmm, mmm, mmm. Flu Ride Bob Rivers Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And a Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tabloids. Elvis Presley's doing just fine. Jingle Hells Bells Bob Rivers Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Like Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin' Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bitten Big Marshall stacks and a broken E-string These are a few of my favorite things Ho Ho Ho Penthouse There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire Bob Rivers Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove Help to make them seasoned right Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat Will really hit the spot tonight And now when Santa sees his tray (Ho ho ho ho ho I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers You loved us when the band was hot. And now we're gonna give it one more shot. We're gettin' old, We must be crazy. We're puttin' on the makeup again. It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin. How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. Let me get a tube of ointment Let's rub my achy joints, And turn my hearing aid loud, And throw Depends into the crowd. Chicken Huntin` Insane Clown Posse I, never liked chicken pot pie or the chopped chicken on rye. Tell Mr. Billy Bob I'm a cut his neck up Slice, poke, chop-chop, stab, cut. "What can you do with a drunken hillbilly?" Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers As that ground crew pushes us backwards On that rickety L-1011, I'm feeling around for that flotation device, And when the safety film is shown, I'm payin' close attention. Pokemon Bob Rivers [Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do Minimum Wage Bob Rivers I'd like a Spiffy Burger with low fat cheese and an order of seasoned curly fries but only if they're cooked in virgin peanut oil. -Ummm, $7.42 at the second window. Drive through please. Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer Bowel Moves Bob Rivers I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds, Pants too tight, seams bustin' out. Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice. Free As A Turd Bob Rivers It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother.