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The Angel Bob Rivers The angel rides with hunch-backed children, poison oozing from his engine Wieldin' love as a lethal weapon, on his way to hubcap heaven Baseball cards poked in his spokes, his boots in oil he's patiently Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers I'd like to find the guy Who done me wrong And stuck my butt up On this Christmas tree. Who put the stump In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump? Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? Joy To The World Bob Rivers The Lord has come Let earth receive her King Let every heart prepare Him room And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing And heaven and heaven and nature sing Joy to the world The Lord has come It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year Bob Rivers It's the most fattening time of the year With that pumpkin pie filling and everyone swilling down eggnog and beer It's the most fattening time of the year It's the lip smackingest season of all while your The Chimney Song Bob Rivers That there's something in the chimney and it doesn't make a sound, But I wish you Merry Christmas. Wreck The Malls Bob Rivers "Wreck the malls this Christmas season Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Blow your cash for no good reason Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Push your charge card to the limit Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Checkbook O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers "Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by Yet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the years Officer Fuhrman Bob Rivers He likes to frame the colored people. Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag. Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who drank Spinning Reel Bob Rivers (Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears) Rod goes up Line goes out Spinning reel Fishing for trout Casting toward the bubbles and you reel it in Hook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spin You Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers I'm getting fatter all the time. I used to be size 32 and I never gave. My jeans used to fit, I looked cool. Now I'm not the same. Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers Lately all the songs I write Are slow and on the mellow side. I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tabloids. Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers Goodbye to all my friends I've known And the travel agent I trusted. I'm riding along on this beat-up old plane; Look out the window. All the rivets are rusted. Flu Ride Bob Rivers Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers Wiggle the string: play hide and seek Buy your workmate or your boss The proctologic dental floss That really works a hair across His astronomic bum Thong! When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. Wrong Foot Amputated Bob Rivers Wrong foot amputated Wrong foot amputated He got the wrong foot amputated The doctor had compassion he tried to cure my disease I was sweating on the way to the op room gave me sedatives to put me at ease O Come All Ye Grateful Dead-Heads Bob Rivers "Oh come all ye Grateful Deadheads to the concert Oh come Grateful Deadheads And camp in the street Bring rolling papers Don't forget your sleeping bags Oh come get us some floor seats We followed them Decorations Bob Rivers I love the colored lights every year And the way the neighbors stop their cars and stare I strap a Santa Claus on my roof Plastic candy canes and reindeer everywhere I'm stringin' up decorations It's straining Middle Age Waistline Bob Rivers (Baba O'Riley - The Who) I eat Mrs. A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Foreigners Bob Rivers Hey, we want to be Americans, But we're illegal aliens, And we really like it here, Though we don't speak the language clear. Foreigners... Stamping out our unions, (What do you mean, man?) Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear Bob Rivers "Lacey things, the wife is missing. Didn't ask, for her permission I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose. Walking around in women's underwear. In the store, there's a teddy. Free As A Turd Bob Rivers It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother.