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Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tabloids. Tabloids Jesse Boykins III Baby I would like to hold your hand, Take you to the floor for this last dance, I would like to move to the rhythms you groove to, it doesn't really matter who sees, close your eyes just picture you and The Chimney Song Bob Rivers That there's something in the chimney and it doesn't make a sound, But I wish you Merry Christmas. Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers I'd like to find the guy Who done me wrong And stuck my butt up On this Christmas tree. Who put the stump In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump? Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? Flu Ride Bob Rivers Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Walkin' 'Round In Women's Underwear Bob Rivers "Lacey things, the wife is missing. Didn't ask, for her permission I'm wearing her clothes, her silk panty hose. Walking around in women's underwear. In the store, there's a teddy. All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Santa doesn't shop at Toys "R" Us Doesn't have to fight the Christmas rush He's never out of stock of even the hardest toys and games It's easy Spinning Reel Bob Rivers (Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears) Rod goes up Line goes out Spinning reel Fishing for trout Casting toward the bubbles and you reel it in Hook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spin You Foreigners Bob Rivers Hey, we want to be Americans, But we're illegal aliens, And we really like it here, Though we don't speak the language clear. Foreigners... Stamping out our unions, (What do you mean, man?) OJ's Trial Thing Bob Rivers O.J., I think you did it. But I wanna know for sure. You expect people to believe that there are people actually playing golf at ten o' clock at night? Ya wanna know what I think? Bowel Moves Bob Rivers Out there in the bathroom where the air gets heavy, Sat on the cold seat, thought I was ready, Workin' on crosswords and readin' the news. Workin' on a bowel move. Wreck The Malls Bob Rivers "Wreck the malls this Christmas season Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Blow your cash for no good reason Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Push your charge card to the limit Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Checkbook Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire Bob Rivers Yuletide squirrels fresh filleted by the choir They poked hot skewers through their nose (Ow! Wrong end, ya cowboy!) There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers You loved us when the band was hot. And now we're gonna give it one more shot. We're gettin' old, We must be crazy. We're puttin' on the makeup again. It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin. The Angel Bob Rivers The angel rides with hunch-backed children, poison oozing from his engine Wieldin' love as a lethal weapon, on his way to hubcap heaven Baseball cards poked in his spokes, his boots in oil he's patiently The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers Sending Christmas cards Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Nervous wife: Facing my in-laws Five months of bills! Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers Got a flat in Timbuktu Waiting for AAA And I saw that single headlight through the rain Flagged the geezer in the car down, He was going the wrong way We sped away and left rubber on all four lanes He The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers -Let's sing it now! Okay, Simon? -Okay! Okay, Theodore? -Okay! Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN! -OKAY!!!) How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers Lately all the songs I write Are slow and on the mellow side. I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers "Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by Yet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the years The Famous Final Scene Bob Seger Think in terms of bridges burned Think of seasons that must end See the rivers rise and fall They will rise and fall again Everything must have an end Like an ocean to a shore Like a river to a Manger 6 Bob Rivers We know you have been traveling a lot this holiday season and you've probably been told there is no room at the Inn. Well, that's just not the case here at Manger 6. Officer Fuhrman Bob Rivers He likes to frame the colored people. Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag. I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers Magical shorts that disappear Buy your loved one this Noël The kind of gift he can't resell Because it kind of smells If someone else has tried it on Thong! You could be dancing cheek to cheek Thong! Decorations Bob Rivers I love the colored lights every year And the way the neighbors stop their cars and stare I strap a Santa Claus on my roof Plastic candy canes and reindeer everywhere I'm stringin' up decorations It's straining