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How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. Let me get a tube of ointment Let's rub my achy joints, And turn my hearing aid loud, And throw Depends into the crowd. When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. Road Island Red is his best friend, he can't put her down. Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers Goodbye to all my friends I've known And the travel agent I trusted. I'm riding along on this beat-up old plane; Look out the window. All the rivets are rusted. I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers And now we're gonna give it one more shot. We're gettin' old, We must be crazy. We're puttin' on the makeup again. It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin. You bring the bread, We'll make the gravy. Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers I bet you're wondering how I knew That Prince Charles and Lady Di were through. Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Foreigners Bob Rivers Hey, we want to be Americans, But we're illegal aliens, And we really like it here, Though we don't speak the language clear. Foreigners... Stamping out our unions, (What do you mean, man?) I Am Santa Claus Bob Rivers I am Santa Claus Ho ho ho ho ho Flying Through the snow Can you hear him ho ho ho He's so full of cheer only has to work one day a year Children in their beds Visions of sugar plums fill their heads Bowel Moves Bob Rivers I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds, Pants too tight, seams bustin' out. Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice. Flu Ride Bob Rivers Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers Ready to sing your song? -I'll say we are! -Yeah! -Let's sing it now! Okay, Simon? -Okay! Okay, Theodore? -Okay! Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN! -OKAY!!!) All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Santa doesn't shop at Toys "R" Us Doesn't have to fight the Christmas rush He's never out of stock of even the hardest toys and games It's easy OJ's Trial Thing Bob Rivers O.J., I think you did it. But I wanna know for sure. You expect people to believe that there are people actually playing golf at ten o' clock at night? Ya wanna know what I think? Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who drank Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers I'd like to find the guy Who done me wrong And stuck my butt up On this Christmas tree. Who put the stump In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump? Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire Bob Rivers ho) Therell be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh (MmmmHey, look at that!) O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers "Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by Yet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the years Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers Magical shorts that disappear Buy your loved one this Noël The kind of gift he can't resell Because it kind of smells If someone else has tried it on Thong! You could be dancing cheek to cheek Thong! Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers I used to be size 32 and I never gave. My jeans used to fit, I looked cool. Now I'm not the same. Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. And lately I can't see my shoes. The Chimney Song Bob Rivers There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, But it's been there all night long. Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night But he never came and it don't seem right. Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year Bob Rivers It's the most fattening time of the year It's the lip smackingest season of all while your shopping you're cheating impulsively eating that junk at the mall It's the heav-heaviest season of all There'll be Floater (Too Much To Ask) Bob Dylan breeze is blowing A squall is settin' in Sometimes it's just plain stupid To get into any kind of wind The old men 'round here, sometimes they get On bad terms with the younger men But old, young He's So Jolly Bob Rivers ho-ho-ho'ing, you keep growing strong I feel the roof shaking That whole house quaking Whenever you grab that sack of toys and slide on in, so Skip that nap, Santa Kids are climbing on that lap, Santa Jolly old Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers slappin' time As he committed several traffic crimes This man's like a one man wreckin' crew Speedin's just a little bit of what he put me through He went off the road and hit a tree Yeah drivin' can't be Free As A Turd Bob Rivers It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother. Minimum Wage Bob Rivers -Welcome to BurgerDoodle, can I have your order please? -Oh yes. I'd like a Spiffy Burger with low fat cheese and an order of seasoned curly fries but only if they're cooked in virgin peanut oil. I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly The Famous Final Scene Bob Seger Think in terms of bridges burned Think of seasons that must end See the rivers rise and fall They will rise and fall again Everything must have an end Like an ocean to a shore Like a river to a Pokemon Bob Rivers [Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do