How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers

I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. Let me get a tube of ointment Let's rub my achy joints, And turn my hearing aid loud, And throw Depends into the crowd.

When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers

If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. Road Island Red is his best friend, he can't put her down.

Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers

Goodbye to all my friends I've known And the travel agent I trusted. I'm riding along on this beat-up old plane; Look out the window. All the rivets are rusted.

I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers

And now we're gonna give it one more shot. We're gettin' old, We must be crazy. We're puttin' on the makeup again. It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin. You bring the bread, We'll make the gravy.

Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers

I bet you're wondering how I knew That Prince Charles and Lady Di were through. Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore.

A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers

Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry.

Foreigners Bob Rivers

Hey, we want to be Americans, But we're illegal aliens, And we really like it here, Though we don't speak the language clear. Foreigners... Stamping out our unions, (What do you mean, man?)

I Am Santa Claus Bob Rivers

I am Santa Claus Ho ho ho ho ho Flying Through the snow Can you hear him ho ho ho He's so full of cheer only has to work one day a year Children in their beds Visions of sugar plums fill their heads

Bowel Moves Bob Rivers

I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds, Pants too tight, seams bustin' out. Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice.

Flu Ride Bob Rivers

Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And

The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers

Ready to sing your song? -I'll say we are! -Yeah! -Let's sing it now! Okay, Simon? -Okay! Okay, Theodore? -Okay! Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN! -OKAY!!!)

All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers

Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Santa doesn't shop at Toys "R" Us Doesn't have to fight the Christmas rush He's never out of stock of even the hardest toys and games It's easy

OJ's Trial Thing Bob Rivers

O.J., I think you did it. But I wanna know for sure. You expect people to believe that there are people actually playing golf at ten o' clock at night? Ya wanna know what I think?

Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers

Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who drank

Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers

I'd like to find the guy Who done me wrong And stuck my butt up On this Christmas tree. Who put the stump In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump? Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong?

Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire Bob Rivers

ho) Therell be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh (MmmmHey, look at that!)

O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers

"Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by Yet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the years

Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers

Magical shorts that disappear Buy your loved one this Noël The kind of gift he can't resell Because it kind of smells If someone else has tried it on Thong! You could be dancing cheek to cheek Thong!

Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers

I used to be size 32 and I never gave. My jeans used to fit, I looked cool. Now I'm not the same. Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. And lately I can't see my shoes.

The Chimney Song Bob Rivers

There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, But it's been there all night long. Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night But he never came and it don't seem right.

Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers

Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop

It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year Bob Rivers

It's the most fattening time of the year It's the lip smackingest season of all while your shopping you're cheating impulsively eating that junk at the mall It's the heav-heaviest season of all There'll be

He's So Jolly Bob Rivers

ho-ho-ho'ing, you keep growing strong I feel the roof shaking That whole house quaking Whenever you grab that sack of toys and slide on in, so Skip that nap, Santa Kids are climbing on that lap, Santa Jolly old

Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers

slappin' time As he committed several traffic crimes This man's like a one man wreckin' crew Speedin's just a little bit of what he put me through He went off the road and hit a tree Yeah drivin' can't be

Floater (Too Much To Ask) Bob Dylan

breeze is blowing A squall is settin' in Sometimes it's just plain stupid To get into any kind of wind The old men 'round here, sometimes they get On bad terms with the younger men But old, young

Free As A Turd Bob Rivers

It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother.

Minimum Wage Bob Rivers

-Welcome to BurgerDoodle, can I have your order please? -Oh yes. I'd like a Spiffy Burger with low fat cheese and an order of seasoned curly fries but only if they're cooked in virgin peanut oil.

I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers

I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly

Pokemon Bob Rivers

[Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do

Old Rivers Walter Brennan

OLD RIVERS Walter Brennan Words and music by Crofford (that's all I wrote at the time I transcribed it -- years ago) HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE I FIRST SEEN OLD RIVERS?

The Famous Final Scene Bob Seger

Think in terms of bridges burned Think of seasons that must end See the rivers rise and fall They will rise and fall again Everything must have an end Like an ocean to a shore Like a river to a

Middle Age Waistline Bob Rivers

Fields I snack between meals You can see my crack above my Levis I don't need to diet To prove I'm light And I don't peel the skin off of my chicken Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Deep fry Don't exercise And

Manger 6 Bob Rivers

There's even individual stalls for your mules, camels, or what ever happen to be drivin' across the desert. And in case unexpected visitors drop in on ya; Shepherds, Wise Men, holy ghosts.

Shame On The Moon Bob Seger

Until you've been beside a man You don't know what he wants You don't know if he cries at night You don't know if don't Where nothing comes easy, old nightmares are real Until you've been beside

There's Another Santa Claus Bob Rivers

there Everywhere you look you can't escape There's Santas everywhere Bells are ringing, children screaming Something doesn't seem right His beard is gray, that's a nice toupee But his eyebrows oughta be

Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers

It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer

There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers

and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis Down at the K-Mart store But the scariest sight to

Wreck The Malls Bob Rivers

"Wreck the malls this Christmas season Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Blow your cash for no good reason Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Push your charge card to the limit Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la Checkbook

We Wish You Weren't Living With Us Bob Rivers

Correct us if we're mistaken But those are long distance calls you're makin' How long do you plan on takin' Advantage of us Pay up!

The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree

Don't Give Up On Yourself Bob Evans

I know how it feels when it seems hopeless And you're trying to make sense Sense of this mess And no one can tell you what to do But don't give up on yourself And I won't give up on you What is a life

Rainbow Country Bob Marley

Hey Mr. music Sure feels good to me And i can′t refuse it What to be got to be Feel like dancing Dance cause we are free I′ve got my home In the promised land And i feel like home I want you to

Youll Accompny Me Bob Seger

know babe I've seen you smiling in the summer sun I've seen your long hair flying when you run I've made my mind up that it's meant to be Someday lady you'll accomp'ny me Someday lady you'll accomp'ny

Joy To The World Bob Rivers

The Lord has come Let earth receive her King Let every heart prepare Him room And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing And heaven and heaven and nature sing Joy to the world The Lord has come

Spinning Reel Bob Rivers

(Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears) Rod goes up Line goes out Spinning reel Fishing for trout Casting toward the bubbles and you reel it in Hook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spin You

Officer Fuhrman Bob Rivers

He likes to set up colored people. He likes to frame the colored people. Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag.

Wrong Foot Amputated Bob Rivers

Wrong foot amputated Wrong foot amputated He got the wrong foot amputated The doctor had compassion he tried to cure my disease I was sweating on the way to the op room gave me sedatives to put me at ease

Burnin\' & Lootin\' (Live At The Record Plant/1973) Bob Marley & The Wailers

This morning I woke up in a curfew Oh God, I was a prisoner, too Could not recognize the faces standing over me All dressed in uniforms of brutality How many rivers do we have to cross Before we

Old Highs New Lows Bob Mould

We lock the gaze tightly upon each other No others come near, no others come between As you remain beside me muted and studying In beauty and radiant heat I will write the words I want to hear you

O Come All Ye Grateful Dead-Heads Bob Rivers

"Oh come all ye Grateful Deadheads to the concert Oh come Grateful Deadheads And camp in the street Bring rolling papers Don't forget your sleeping bags Oh come get us some floor seats We followed them