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Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers I'm getting fatter all the time. I used to be size 32 and I never gave. My jeans used to fit, I looked cool. Now I'm not the same. Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. It's The Most Fattening Time Of The Year Bob Rivers It's the most fattening time of the year With that pumpkin pie filling and everyone swilling down eggnog and beer It's the most fattening time of the year It's the lip smackingest season of all while your Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer Spinning Reel Bob Rivers (Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears) Rod goes up Line goes out Spinning reel Fishing for trout Casting toward the bubbles and you reel it in Hook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spin You The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers (All right you Chipmunks! Ready to sing your song? -I'll say we are! -Yeah! -Let's sing it now! Okay, Simon? -Okay! Okay, Theodore? -Okay! Okay, Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN! -OKAY!!!) All You Need Is Elves Bob Rivers Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Elves, elves, elves Santa doesn't shop at Toys "R" Us Doesn't have to fight the Christmas rush He's never out of stock of even the hardest toys and games It's easy There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like Bowel Moves Bob Rivers Out there in the bathroom where the air gets heavy, Sat on the cold seat, thought I was ready, Workin' on crosswords and readin' the news. Workin' on a bowel move. Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers Got a flat in Timbuktu Waiting for AAA And I saw that single headlight through the rain Flagged the geezer in the car down, He was going the wrong way We sped away and left rubber on all four lanes He Jingle Hells Bells Bob Rivers Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Like Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin' Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bitten Big Marshall stacks and a broken E-string These are a few of my favorite things Ho Ho Ho Penthouse The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers I'd like to find the guy Who done me wrong And stuck my butt up On this Christmas tree. Who put the stump In my rump-ba-bump-ba-bump? Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? The Chimney Song Bob Rivers There's something stuck up in the chimney and I don't know what it is, But it's been there all night long. Well, I waited up for Santa all Christmas night But he never came and it don't seem right. O Little Town Of Bethlehem Bob Rivers "Oh little town of Bethlehem, how still we see thee lie Above thy deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by Yet in thy dark streets shineth, the everlasting light The hopes and fears of all the years I Used To Rock And Roll All Night Bob Rivers You loved us when the band was hot. And now we're gonna give it one more shot. We're gettin' old, We must be crazy. We're puttin' on the makeup again. It covers up a buncha wrinkled skin. Joy To The World Bob Rivers The Lord has come Let earth receive her King Let every heart prepare Him room And heaven and nature sing And heaven and nature sing And heaven and heaven and nature sing Joy to the world The Lord has come O Come All Ye Grateful Dead-Heads Bob Rivers "Oh come all ye Grateful Deadheads to the concert Oh come Grateful Deadheads And camp in the street Bring rolling papers Don't forget your sleeping bags Oh come get us some floor seats We followed them I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers Was waiting in line at the grocery store. Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tabloids. BOB NoFX He Spent fifteen years getting loaded Fifteen years 'till his liver exploded Now what's Bob gonna do now that he can't drink? The Doc said, "What were you thinkin' 'bout?" Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers Goodbye to all my friends I've known And the travel agent I trusted. I'm riding along on this beat-up old plane; Look out the window. All the rivets are rusted. When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers Lately all the songs I write Are slow and on the mellow side. I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. Decorations Bob Rivers I love the colored lights every year And the way the neighbors stop their cars and stare I strap a Santa Claus on my roof Plastic candy canes and reindeer everywhere I'm stringin' up decorations It's straining A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers Wiggle the string: play hide and seek Buy your workmate or your boss The proctologic dental floss That really works a hair across His astronomic bum Thong! OJ's Trial Thing Bob Rivers You gave the devil the ball, you whore. O.J. You love it! O.J., O.J. Well, we've all had enough O.J. coverage in our lives. Pokemon Bob Rivers [Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do There's Another Santa Claus Bob Rivers Something doesn't seem right His beard is gray, that's a nice toupee But his eyebrows oughta be white There's another Santa Claus There's another Santa Claus There's another Santa Claus there One at the