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Free As A Turd Bob Rivers Please, Don't put out this turd. It's a piece of crap to me Can hardly hear the words... Whatever happened to, The rights to Love me Do? We made Michael Jackson one rich mother. Beat Up Old Jetliner Bob Rivers As that ground crew pushes us backwards On that rickety L-1011, I'm feeling around for that flotation device, And when the safety film is shown, I'm payin' close attention. Foreigners Bob Rivers We sneak across your border lines, To stand in unemployment lines, We chip in to buy a car, Drive back home to get some more Foreigners... Flu Ride Bob Rivers Just hear those noses snifflin' Sore throats ticklin' too Come on it's lousy weather To be sufferin' inside with the flu Outside the snow is fallin' Your fever's at 102 Let's take some Alka-Seltzer And a The Angel Bob Rivers The angel rides with hunch-backed children, poison oozing from his engine Wieldin' love as a lethal weapon, on his way to hubcap heaven Baseball cards poked in his spokes, his boots in oil he's patiently How It Feels (To Be Old) Bob Rivers I used to stand on MTV, But now they bring a chair for me. Let me get a tube of ointment Let's rub my achy joints, And turn my hearing aid loud, And throw Depends into the crowd. Buttcracker Suite Bob Rivers “Dance of the Plumber Fairy” See the repair man go Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink Working on the sink (Bending way down low) See the big tool belt go Slippy-slip, slippy-slip, slippy-slip Sliding I Came Upon A Roadkill Deer Bob Rivers I came upon a roadkill deer A sorrowful sight to behold He lay upon the highway's edge His body was stiff and cold I bet he never saw the car Careening through the snow The lights shone brightly I Am Santa Claus Bob Rivers I am Santa Claus Ho ho ho ho ho Flying Through the snow Can you hear him ho ho ho He's so full of cheer only has to work one day a year Children in their beds Visions of sugar plums fill their heads Getting Fatter All The Time Bob Rivers Put on a few pounds, my shape's getting round. And lately I can't see my shoes. I hate to admit, but I'm getting fatter, fatter, A little fatter all the time. I can't lose no weight. Mr. Magoo Bob Rivers pulled a quick u-turn, And hit a pickup from Montana While plowin' down a fire hydrant too Windshield wipers slappin' time As he committed several traffic crimes This man's like a one man wreckin' crew A Letter To Santa Bob Rivers Dear Santa Claus, It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. When A Man Loves A Chicken Bob Rivers When a man loves a chicken He can't keep his mind on nothin' else, He stay in the barn for the good thing he's found. If he is henpecked he can't see it; she can't do no wrong. There's A Santa Who Looks A Lot Like Elvis Bob Rivers There's a Santa who looks a lot like Elvis The King of Rock and Roll Take a look at the double chin He's weighing about 310 With golden chains and sequined belt below There's a Santa who looks a lot like The Twelve Pains Of Christmas Bob Rivers The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Angry husband: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree Pokemon Bob Rivers [Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of money mon mon mon Pokemon mon mon mon Lots of Money mon mon mon mon We got to find a pokemon Before it's Christmas Eve The kids must have a Pikachu It's called I do Minimum Wage Bob Rivers I'd like a Spiffy Burger with low fat cheese and an order of seasoned curly fries but only if they're cooked in virgin peanut oil. -Ummm, $7.42 at the second window. Drive through please. I'm A Weight Watcher Bob Rivers I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a Weight Watcher, Watchin' food go by. My, my, my. I'm a Weight Watcher, I'm a plate watcher. Here comes a cream pie Mmmm, mmm, mmm. Homeless On the Holidays Bob Rivers Oh there’s food for the homeless on the holidays Cause no matter how filthy or uncombed If you’re down on your luck you can really graze For the holidays we throw those bums a bone I met a man who drank Carol Of The Bartenders Bob Rivers Hark all they got Tales seem to flow Gin tinkling More Chardonnay Christmas is here Drinking the cheer Ice cubes are cold More Cuervo Gold Don't be a dink Watch what you drink Don't be a dork Don't pop Christmas Party Song Bob Rivers It's Christmas time and I'm in trouble Got too drunk at the company affair Sat on the copier, wore no apparel Did it on a dare Insulted the boss and French-kissed a stranger Pinched his butt poured beer Bowel Moves Bob Rivers I was a little too stuffed, had to lose a few pounds, Pants too tight, seams bustin' out. Just had a big burrito with beans and rice, Salsa on top, with some extra spice, Lots of extra spice. Who Put The Stump Bob Rivers Who took and jammed it In my ram-a-lam-a-ding dong? Who stood the wood Where I poop-she-poop-she-poop? Who put the stick Up my hipty-dipty-dip? Who was that man? Youll Accompny Me Bob Seger A gypsy wind is blowing warm tonight The sky is starlit and the time is right And still you're telling me you have to go Before you leave there's something you should know Yeah something you should Read It In The Tabloids Bob Rivers Took a peek at the dirt about Demi Moore. And it took me by surprise I must say When I found out the Pope was gay. I read it in the tabloids. Elvis Presley's doing just fine. Officer Fuhrman Bob Rivers Officer Fuhrman driving through Brentwood At night with a glove in his bag, his evidence bag. Waits at the Bronco; opens the window To leave a few drops on the floor, a smudge on the door. Middle Age Waistline Bob Rivers I don't need to diet To prove I'm light And I don't peel the skin off of my chicken Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Deep fry Don't exercise And grow that middle age waistline It salivates my glands To smell a The Twisted Chipmunk Song Bob Rivers Christmas, Christmas time is near Time for toys and time for cheer We've been good, but we can't last Hurry Christmas, hurry fast Want a plane that loops the loop Me, I want a hula hoop We can hardly stand Jingle Hells Bells Bob Rivers Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Like Guns N Roses with Axel Rose spittin' Ozzie's black eyes and the bats that he's bitten Big Marshall stacks and a broken E-string These are a few of my favorite things Ho Ho Ho Penthouse Spinning Reel Bob Rivers (Spinning Wheel - Blood, Sweat & Tears) Rod goes up Line goes out Spinning reel Fishing for trout Casting toward the bubbles and you reel it in Hook a speckled rainbow watch the spinning reel spin You