"No, I never was in Vietnam
I never once dove into an empty
swimming pool
I never let the carpet walk right out
from under me
I never painted a house or a tree
I never did become an exotic dancer, or a
customer service representative
I never took the pulse of a dying duck,
or gave mouth to mouth
resuscitation to a horse fly
In a way, I suppose you could say
my experience is quite limited
For example, I never locked Oliver
Cromwell in a broom closet while
singing Waltzing Matilda
I never sawed television in half,
although I once saw Wendy O.
Williams saw a guitar
I never played a decent game of jacks
I never played poker with a toothless one
eyed pirate who kept
picking his teeth with a bowie knife to
distract me, while his parrot looked
over my shoulder and told him what
cards I had by using an elaborate code
involving vomiting, chirping,
and sea chanteys
I never bought a lamp-wait; I did buy a
lamp once
But I never bought a lantern, or a
lambskin prophylactic
I never bought a loin or a
Loinel Ritchie album
I never bought anthing beginning with
the letter ""L"" except lollipops, light
bulbs and lettuce and the lamp
I never laid down for a nap and found the
Everly Brothers in bed with me
I never let a cyborg take out the garbage
I'm sorry
I stole the radio
I did it
I sawed the legs off the periodic table
I re-elected the president
I did it, it was my fault
I farted in the church
I'm sorry
I did many many bad things and I am so
sorry!
"