The girl in the pastry shop
with the net in her hair
Is making a cannoli for you
to take on your hiking trip
In the woods with your bros
that you’ve known
since second grade
And you may encounter dragons
or ruffians and be called upon
To employ your testosterone
In a battle for supremacy
and access to females
glued to the TV
And even if you are victorious
you may receive many cuts
bruises and scrapes
And you will require band aids
and antiseptic ointments
And tender loving kisses
on your stab wounds
and when you come home
She will be there waiting for you
with a fire in her eyes
And a big fat cannoli
to shove in your mouth
And that's why you
Thank God for girls
Holla Jesu Christe
From Tennessee to LA
Thank God for girls
On your reckoning day
You better bow down and pray
She’s so big
She’s so strong
She’s so energetic
in her sweaty overalls
Thank God for girls
Thank God for girls
Thank God for girls
I'm so glad I got a girl to
think of even though she isn't mine
I think about her all the day
and all the night it's enough
to know that she's alive
She says I give her sweaty palms
she almost had a heart attack
The truth is that I’m just as scared
I don’t know how to act
I wish that I could
get to know her better
But meeting up in real life would
cause the illusion to shatter
I carved her name into all the trees
Sang a song down on one knee
Looking at the underwear page
of the Sears catalog
like when I was 14
I’m levitating like a magnet
turned the wrong way around
I’m like an Indian
Fakir tryna’ meditate
on a bed of nails
with my pants pulled down
Thank God for girls
Holla Jesu Christe
From Tennessee to LA
Thank God for girls
On your reckoning day
You better bow down and pray
She’s so big
She’s so strong
She’s so energetic
in her sweaty overalls
Thank God for girls
Thank God for girls
Thank God for girls
God took a rib from Adam
ground it up
in a centrifuge machine
Mixed it with cardamom and cloves
microwaved it
on the popcorn setting
While Adam was like
that really hurts
Going off into the tundra
so pissed at God
And he started lighting
minor forest fires
stealing osprey eggs
Messing with the bees
who were trying
to pollinate the echinacea
Until God said
Ima smite you with loneliness
And break your heart in two
And Adam wept and wailed
tearing out his hair
falling on his knees
Looked to the sky and said
Thank God